Give me my flowers while I live

It's Mother's Day and I miss my mother.

In the USA, Mother's day is celebrated the second Sunday in May. It is a day where we honor maternal bonds, motherhood, and a specific woman who nurtured and cared for us.  

Mother's day is celebrated in over 40 countries.  Instead of saying 'hello' and 'goodbye' we greet women in kindness by saying 'Happy Mother's Day'.  I realize that it's kinda crazy to assume that most women have nurtured a child at some point in her life.  Early in the month of May we begin to to see retail reminders of Mother's day and begin to hear references of Mother's day on social media and in our social circles. 

During this time of the year, I tend to retreat to a place of lack and loss.  I seem to focus on the current feeling of being physically without my loving Hattie Mae who died six years ago.  Intellectually I understand that focusing on the fact that she was an amazingly loving, caring, attentive nurturer adds more value to my life. My childhood was full of laughter, healthy hugs and encouragement.  My siblings and I were safe, happy, adored, and respected. My mother was our biggest cheerleader, counselor, teacher and critic. She was incredibly patient in teaching life skills.  I definitely understand that I should focus more on her life, than her death.  However, in this moment, I simply miss her presence.  

Her death was a loss of tremendous emotional support.  The closest analogy is when she and I sat back to back with another person on the ground.  We both had the support of the other's person's back. However, when she stood up or in this case, she diee, that support was gone.  

When I look in the mirror in the month of May, I see her features more prominently, that's weird because May is not the month in which she died or the month in which she was born.  May is the month where I am more aware that she is not physically with me.  May is the month when I feel the most alone in the world. 

The perspective of what I feel and my sense of profound loss is mine wholeheartedly. I own it. My mother was a christian.  I imagine her perspective as being one of being engulfed in unimaginable peace and love.

My mother often told my siblings and I to give her 'flowers' while she lived.  I took it to mean to demonstrate love, care and concern to her routinely.  She meant to live in the moment, to share the good times and the bad.  Once when she and I attended a funeral together she pointed out that the reason the lady's children were literally falling out on the floor was because they just realized that there mother is mortal, that they could have done more for her and they have immense regret.

I have a few regrets about the time I spent away from my family while I served honorably in the US Army for over 26 years. Sometimes I chose the urgent over the important and missed one of our family's many gatherings or special occasions. I realize that I could have spent more days, hours, minutes with my family.  

My eleven year old son recently told me that I am a wonderful mother. I pattern my interaction with my son after my mother's behavior with me and my siblings.  She demonstrated love and care through her time and attention.  My siblings and I often marble at the fact that she made each of her six children feel like we were the most important person in her life.  She demonstrated that she valued our interests and our goals by asking questions, participating in our special events and simply being present.

When she did not agree with our decisions and choices she stated her observations and concerns boldly.  Whether I complied or changed my point of view or not, I always knew that she was coming from a place of love. She routinely shared her valuable experiences in the hope that we would make well informed decisions.  I learned indelible life lessons from my mother.

I appreciate and routinely integrate several of the life lessons I learned from my mother into my life. However, there are three life lessons my mother taught me which bring me the most joy.

1. Nurture my personal relationship with God.   
2. Teach by son 'how to think' as opposed to teaching him 'what to think' by ensuring he understands that his choices have natural consequences. 
3. We are on earth to form healthy emotional bonds with others.

My prayer is that I am the woman my mother intended me to be. 

Happy Mother's Day to you and yours.  I encourage you to give your nurturer her flowers while she lives. 

I am curious to know how you choose to spend your Mother's Day.  Please send me an email at [email protected] or reply to this post. 

Angela M. Odom

Picture taken in December 1988 at the M. M. Robert Stadium on the campus of the University of Southern Mississippi where Angela was the Homecoming Queen.